58 days ago by fritoandtheg... | 41 views | 1 meows

Frito's Latest Conspiracy Theory

Man, last week was rough!  The girls and I got drawn into some issues surrounding Dad’s birthday.  The humans went away to “celebrate” his birthday, which is never good for me and Lea.  Gina and Lady Fluffy Tail have weird friends over…and it’s really quite stressful.  We had heard that the humans had gone to look at a new house—and the very thought of moving again brings on some serious Frito sized furballs.  And, it seems that our humans' definition of “new” house is 140 years old.  Can anyone else say GHOSTS???  Luckily they didn’t like the neighborhood.  Ghosts are okay, but, weird neighbors aren’t?? We’ll never understand humans. 

That was bad, but the real problem with dad’s birthday started because in order to get his driver’s license renewed, he had to get glasses.  We heard, it was much to Mom’s relief, although we don’t really understand the whole “glasses” thing beyond the ones that hold leftover milk.  The girls and I also find the whole “going for a drive” thing completely unnecessary, but the humans and Stink Dog seem to like the car and the outdoors.  Apparently they must have exotic destinations besides the vet that we “domesticated” kitties haven’t experienced.  Humans.

Anyway, you may be wondering how this became so detrimental to my fragile self esteem, so, please let me explain.  As I’ve said in the past, Dad is, and has always been, my greatest ally in my anti-dieting and my “just say no to bathing” campaigns.  Well, he comes home Friday with these “glasses”, takes one look at me and says, “When did we get a new dog?” Oh, hardy har har.  Like I haven’t heard THAT one before with better delivery.  I gave him my best priceless, bored stare with a double tail swish.  But, then, he took another look at me and said that I DID need a BATH.  A BATH!!!  Dad always takes my side when the lady says it’s bath day.  Then, he uttered the worst 4 letter word I have ever heard him say in my presence:  D-I-E-T. 

Well, I get it now.  I see the light and I didn't need any "glasses" to do it.  He went to a “doctor” to get those glasses, right?  Well, the V-E-T claims to be a doctor too—they are all in this thing together, I tell you.  It’s some sick conspiracy in the global medical community!  Those glasses have affected Dad’s brain.  Mind control generated by my vet, promoted and integrated by Dad’s eye “doctor” to further the dreaded “d” and “b” words in pets!  It’s a disaster!

There’s only one option.  In the interest of freedom as I know it, those glasses need to “disappear”.  It shouldn’t be hard; he loses things all the time.  Car keys, tools, receipts.  It can easily be made to look like an accident.  Now, I try to be a well behaved cat.  I have battled my love of dogs, plastic and ribbon to varying degrees of success to please these people.  I think I’ll have to get Gina involved in this one. She could make this little problem go away…all in the interest of self expression or some weird Gina the Gremlin Cat rage against the...uhh, what's she say?  Is it system??…machine?  Wait, I think that’s a band that she likes.  Sorry,  I never really listen to her, but, I will support her from here on out, most of the time, if she does this one little thing for me….I need to get her on board fast though because we are almost out of the “good” cat food and Thursday is already slated to be bath day.    Don’t let this happen to you.  Say No to Glasses!  (unless they are full of leftover milk!)